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Zen Zen How How a a woman woman s s struggle struggle with with depression depression taught taught her her about about faith faith prayer prayer and and when when to to stop stop meditating meditating Beliefnet Beliefnet window window twttr twttr function function d d s s id id var var js js fjs fjs d d getElementsByTagName getElementsByTagName s s t t window window twttr twttr if if d d getElementById getElementById id id return return t t js js d d createElement createElement s s js js id id id id js js src src https https platform platform twitter twitter com com widgets widgets js js fjs fjs parentNode parentNode insertBefore insertBefore js js fjs fjs t t e e t t ready ready function function f f t t e e push push f f return return t t document document script script twitter twitter wjs wjs Facebook Facebook Twitter Twitter Email Email I I want want to to tell tell you you about about coming coming apart apart wanting wanting to to die die and and returning returning at at last last to to myself myself and and about about how how my my Buddhist Buddhist practice practice both both helped helped and and hindered hindered me me in in this this zigzag zigzag journey journey in in ways ways I I couldn couldn t t have have predicted predicted I I didn didn t t call call it it depression depression for for most most of of the the five five years years I I was was in in and and out out of of it it I I thought thought depression depression was was for for lethargic lethargic people people who who stayed stayed in in bed bed all all day day But But my my pain pain was was as as sharp sharp as as an an ice ice pick pick Restless Restless in in the the extreme extreme I I paced paced and and paced paced looking looking for for a a way way out out While While my my misery misery seemed seemed to to be be connected connected to to the the drawn drawn out out and and difficult difficult end end of of a a relationship relationship with with a a lover lover I I came came to to realize realize that that it it was was about about my my whole whole life life The The invisible invisible causes causes were were old old griefs griefs and and fears fears about about being being left left alone alone and and about about not not being being left left alone alone I I had had been been through through painful painful separations separations before before but but this this one one deconstructed deconstructed me me as as none none other other had had After After a a wrenching wrenching divorce divorce I I had had other other relationships relationships but but I I always always erred erred on on the the side side of of independence independence raising raising my my children children as as a a single single mother mother managing managing my my life life my my household household my my recycling recycling on on my my own own But But when when it it seemed seemed finally finally that that I I would would have have somebody somebody else else to to remind remind me me to to change change the the oil oil in in my my car car and and then then when when it it seemed seemed even even more more finally finally that that I I wouldn wouldn t t the the dam dam burst burst and and my my pent pent up up longing longing to to be be taken taken care care of of came came crashing crashing through through dashes dashes gif gif When When I I sat sat down down on on my my meditation meditation cushion cushion the the quiet quiet just just provided provided a a chance chance for for my my obsessional obsessional thoughts thoughts to to take take over over the the stage stage dashes dashes gif gif I I had had been been a a Zen Zen Buddhist Buddhist practitioner practitioner for for over over years years Buddhist Buddhist teachings teachings are are about about suffering suffering and and the the end end of of suffering suffering and and Zen Zen Buddhism Buddhism in in particular particular emphasizes emphasizes sitting sitting still still in in the the midst midst of of your your suffering suffering and and just just letting letting go go I I assumed assumed that that my my meditation meditation practice practice would would steady steady me me What What could could be be more more comforting comforting than than minutes minutes in in the the peaceful peaceful familiar familiar zendo zendo with with the the slant slant of of sun sun across across the the cedar cedar floorboards floorboards and and the the sweet sweet smell smell of of tatami tatami matting matting But But it it didn didn t t help help This This is is what what I I want want to to say say At At times times it it made made things things worse worse The The demons demons in in my my mind mind took took advantage advantage of of the the opportunity opportunity They They weren weren t t real real demons demons but but they they didn didn t t care care whether whether they they were were real real or or not not they they tormented tormented me me anyway anyway My My Buddhist Buddhist teachers teachers urged urged me me to to keep keep on on sitting sitting zazen zazen Don Don t t turn turn away away from from your your suffering suffering they they said said again again and and again again When When you you sit sit painful painful thoughts thoughts and and feelings feelings will will arise arise Just Just notice notice them them without without clinging clinging to to them them The The painful painful thoughts thoughts and and feelings feelings will will pass pass away away again again and and you you ll ll realize realize that that they they are are empty empty But But when when I I sat sat down down on on a a zafu zafu meditation meditation cushion cushion the the quiet quiet just just provided provided a a chance chance for for my my obsessional obsessional thoughts thoughts to to take take over over the the stage stage I I ve ve ruined ruined my my life life How How can can I I get get him him back back The The painful painful thoughts thoughts arose arose all all right right but but they they didn didn t t pass pass away away Or Or if if they they did did it it was was only only to to make make room room for for even even more more painful painful thoughts thoughts I I don don t t know know how how to to give give or or receive receive love love I I ll ll die die alone alone And And adding adding insult insult to to injury injury I I m m the the worst worst Zen Zen student student that that ever ever was was Occasionally Occasionally a a Zen Zen teacher teacher will will concede concede that that if if a a person person is is in in the the middle middle of of a a mental mental breakdown breakdown perhaps perhaps she she should should stop stop sitting sitting until until she she gets gets her her strength strength back back This This is is like like a a track track coach coach telling telling you you that that you you shouldn shouldn t t run run while while you you have have a a broken broken leg leg The The assumption assumption is is that that if if there there weren weren t t something something wrong wrong with with you you if if you you weren weren t t so so weak weak you you d d be be on on the the zafu zafu And And when when I I told told my my teachers teachers I I was was disappointed disappointed that that zazen zazen didn didn t t make make me me feel feel better better they they scolded scolded me me You You don don t t sit sit zazen zazen to to get get something something You You sit sit zazen zazen in in order order to to sit sit zazen zazen If If you you want want zazen zazen to to make make you you happy happy it it won won t t work work But But I I wasn wasn t t even even asking asking to to be be happy happy I I was was asking asking to to be be less less miserable miserable I I was was hoping hoping for for some some peace peace of of mind mind And And didn didn t t Buddha Buddha invent invent Buddhism Buddhism in in the the first first place place to to alleviate alleviate suffering suffering Did Did all all those those other other people people in in the the zendo zendo really really get get up up out out of of bed bed at at a a m m for for no no particular particular reason reason I I kept kept going going back back hoping hoping that that if if I I meditated meditated hard hard enough enough I I d d have have some some sort sort of of breakthrough breakthrough In In the the dimly dimly remembered remembered time time of of normalcy normalcy sitting sitting in in the the zendo zendo I I too too had had had had the the experience experience of of watching watching my my worries worries turn turn to to dry dry powder powder and and blow blow away away So So now now I I signed signed up up to to sit sit Rohatsu Rohatsu sesshin sesshin the the weeklong weeklong meditation meditation retreat retreat in in early early December December that that commemorates commemorates Buddha Buddha s s enlightenment enlightenment He He sat sat down down under under the the bodhi bodhi tree tree and and vowed vowed not not to to get get up up until until he he saw saw the the truth truth It It took took him him a a week week I I had had sat sat many many sesshins sesshins before before but but maybe maybe this this would would be be my my week week The The first first day day was was bad bad I I cried cried quietly quietly not not wanting wanting to to disturb disturb the the others others The The second second day day was was worse worse Tears Tears and and snot snot dripped dripped off off my my chin chin onto onto my my breast breast I I hated hated myself myself Nobody Nobody else else will will ever ever love love me me Bring Bring your your attention attention back back to to your your breathing breathing my my teachers teachers had had advised advised me me But But this this was was like like telling telling a a person person on on the the rack rack whose whose arms arms are are being being pulled pulled out out of of her her shoulder shoulder sockets sockets to to count count her her exhalations exhalations Sometimes Sometimes it it was was like like being being in in heavy heavy surf surf A A wave wave of of pain pain would would grow grow crest crest and and break break with with a a crash crash grinding grinding my my bones bones against against the the rocky rocky bottom bottom and and then then I I d d get get my my head head above above the the water water just just in in time time to to notice notice another another bigger bigger wave wave coming coming But But I I wasn wasn t t on on the the rack rack I I wasn wasn t t in in the the surf surf I I was was in in the the zendo zendo Around Around me me sat sat my my dharma dharma brothers brothers and and sisters sisters hands hands in in their their proper proper position position As As for for my my hand hand position position I I dug dug the the nails nails of of my my left left hand hand deep deep into into the the palm palm of of my my right right hand hand feeling feeling relief relief at at the the physical physical pain pain and and momentary momentary proof proof of of my my existence existence dashes dashes gif gif Sometimes Sometimes being being on on the the meditation meditation cushion cushion was was like like being being in in heavy heavy surf surf A A wave wave of of pain pain would would grow grow crest crest and and break break with with a a crash crash grinding grinding my my bones bones against against the the rocky rocky bottom bottom dashes dashes gif gif On On the the morning morning of of the the fifth fifth day day after after fleeing fleeing the the zendo zendo several several times times in in agony agony I I called called the the Zen Zen Center Center and and said said I I wasn wasn t t feeling feeling well well an an understatement understatement if if there there ever ever was was one one and and wouldn wouldn t t be be sitting sitting the the rest rest of of the the sesshin sesshin I I thought thought I I had had failed failed in in my my practice practice years years of of it it and and was was bitterly bitterly disappointed disappointed in in myself myself Only Only now now do do I I see see what what a a growth growth it it was was not not to to be be ruled ruled by by dogma dogma to to be be compassionate compassionate with with myself myself to to take take my my spiritual spiritual practice practice into into my my own own hands hands I I didn didn t t sit sit zazen zazen for for some some months months and and now now I I know know that that stopping stopping was was zazen zazen Unfortunately Unfortunately it it wasn wasn t t until until after after the the depression depression subsided subsided that that I I saw saw that that choosing choosing not not to to sit sit took took as as much much faith faith in in myself myself as as choosing choosing to to sit sit Buddhism Buddhism teaches teaches that that we we have have no no fixed fixed self self There There is is nothing nothing permanent permanent about about me me During During my my depression depression I I wasn wasn t t my my self self as as we we say say I I didn didn t t seem seem to to have have a a self self at at all all which which in in a a way way cruelly cruelly mimicked mimicked this this central central point point in in Buddhist Buddhist teaching teaching There There was was nobody nobody home home and and it it was was terrifying terrifying I I felt felt angry angry at at Buddhism Buddhism as as if if to to say say You You told told me me there there s s no no fixed fixed self self and and I I believed believed you you and and look look where where it it got got me me It It helped helped me me to to give give a a name name other other than than crazy crazy to to how how I I felt felt but but it it took took me me awhile awhile I I finally finally called called myself myself depressed depressed when when I I read read an an article article by by the the writer writer Andrew Andrew Solomon Solomon about about his his own own depression depression in in The The New New Yorker Yorker January January and and he he described described symptoms symptoms similar similar to to mine mine It It turned turned out out I I wasn wasn t t the the only only one one who who had had ever ever felt felt too too frightened frightened to to chew chew as as Solomon Solomon put put it it And And I I knew knew just just what what he he meant meant when when he he wrote wrote Depression Depression is is a a disease disease of of self self obsession obsession I I was was sick sick I I was was clinically clinically depressed depressed It It was was reading reading this this article article that that made made me me decide decide to to try try medication medication Solomon Solomon says says To To take take medications medications as as part part of of the the battle battle is is to to battle battle fiercely fiercely and and to to refuse refuse them them is is as as ludicrous ludicrous as as entering entering a a modern modern war war on on horseback horseback I I had had a a lot lot of of resistance resistance to to taking taking medication medication The The voice voice of of orthodox orthodox Zen Zen whispered whispered in in my my mind mind that that the the monks monks of of old old didn didn t t have have Zoloft Zoloft the the drug drug that that eventually eventually helped helped me me But But some some of of those those monks monks probably probably obsessed obsessed their their lives lives away away in in misery misery others others may may have have left left the the monastery monastery because because they they couldn couldn t t concentrate concentrate Buddhist Buddhist history history doesn doesn t t tell tell us us about about the the ones ones who who tried tried and and failed failed the the ones ones with with attention attention deficit deficit disorder disorder or or clinical clinical depression depression And And so so by by trial trial and and error error I I learned learned to to construct construct my my own own spiritual spiritual practice practice according according to to my my needs needs and and abilities abilities I I was was learning learning to to trust trust myself myself Every Every morning morning as as soon soon as as I I got got out out of of bed bed I I lit lit a a candle candle on on my my little little altar altar and and offered offered a a stick stick of of incense incense I I made made three three full full bows bows then then stood stood before before the the altar altar my my palms palms pressed pressed together together and and recited recited out out loud loud my my morning morning prayers prayers starting starting with with a a child child s s prayer prayer a a Catholic Catholic friend friend had had taught taught me me Angel Angel of of God God my my guardian guardian dear dear To To whom whom God God s s love love commits commits me me here here Ever Ever this this day day be be at at my my side side To To watch watch and and guard guard to to rule rule and and guide guide It It was was comforting comforting to to ask ask somebody somebody else else somebody somebody who who wasn wasn t t me me for for help help Prayer Prayer was was something something I I missed missed in in Zen Zen practice practice as as I I knew knew it it so so I I imported imported it it from from Christianity Christianity and and other other Buddhist Buddhist traditions traditions I I prayed prayed to to Tara Tara Tibetan Tibetan goddess goddess of of compassion compassion to to fly fly down down from from the the sky sky all all green green and and shining shining into into my my heart heart I I prayed prayed to to Prajna Prajna Paramita Paramita the the mother mother of of all all Buddhas Buddhas who who brings brings light light so so that that all all fear fear and and distress distress may may be be forsaken forsaken and and disperses disperses the the gloom gloom and and darkness darkness of of delusion delusion These These words words from from the the ancient ancient Prajnaparamitta Prajnaparamitta sutra sutra reminded reminded me me of of the the rd rd Psalm Psalm Yea Yea though though I I walk walk through through the the valley valley of of the the shadow shadow of of death death I I will will fear fear no no evil evil for for Thou Thou art art with with me me I I said said this this too too Then Then I I took took refuge refuge in in Buddha Buddha dharma dharma and and sangha sangha saying saying the the words words out out loud loud whether whether I I felt felt anything anything or or not not Taking Taking refuge refuge is is an an act act of of faith faith I I followed followed with with my my own own translation translation I I take take refuge refuge in in my my own own true true nature nature I I take take refuge refuge in in things things as as they they are are I I take take refuge refuge in in the the community community of of which which I I am am a a part part dashes dashes gif gif It It was was comforting comforting to to ask ask somebody somebody else else somebody somebody who who wasn wasn t t me me for for help help Prayer Prayer was was something something I I missed missed in in Zen Zen practice practice as as I I knew knew it it so so I I imported imported it it from from Christianity Christianity and and other other Buddhist Buddhist traditions traditions dashes dashes gif gif That That I I had had shaped shaped this this practice practice for for myself myself gave gave me me confidence confidence And And the the early early morning morning incense incense smoke smoke though though it it was was thin thin and and drifting drifting provided provided a a hint hint of of continuity continuity for for my my days days They They seemed seemed after after all all to to be be days days in in the the same same life life One One person person s s life life mine mine Faith Faith is is an an attitude attitude emphasized emphasized more more in in Christianity Christianity than than in in Buddhism Buddhism but but it it s s there there in in Buddhism Buddhism too too Faith Faith means means faith faith in in yourself yourself in in the the practice practice in in the the ancestors ancestors in in the the teaching teaching Faith Faith means means believing believing that that everything everything is is unfolding unfolding as as it it needs needs to to unfold unfold and and that that your your own own life life is is part part of of that that unfolding unfolding Once Once when when I I called called Zen Zen teacher teacher Reb Reb Anderson Anderson in in despair despair he he came came to to Berkeley Berkeley to to see see me me We We sat sat on on a a park park bench bench in in a a children children s s playground playground and and he he told told me me Try Try to to remember remember that that the the universe universe is is already already taking taking care care of of you you In In the the following following months months I I repeated repeated this this mantra mantra to to myself myself over over and and over over The The universe universe is is already already taking taking care care of of me me Now Now almost almost two two years years out out of of the the desolation desolation I I still still don don t t understand understand what what happened happened and and I I wish wish I I did did understand understand because because I I don don t t ever ever want want to to go go there there again again But But I I do do know know some some of of the the things things that that pulled pulled me me through through including including nature nature the the love love of of friends friends and and family family poetry poetry medication medication therapy therapy my my own own form form of of prayer prayer and and learning learning to to trust trust myself myself I I am am grateful grateful many many times times a a day day for for my my mental mental health health Even Even on on days days when when I I m m the the most most lonesome lonesome or or the the most most afraid afraid there there s s somebody somebody home home inside inside myself myself Biblical Biblical Sites Sites to to Visit Visit in in Jordan Jordan Join Join Beliefnet Beliefnet Today Today See See all all our our uplifting uplifting newsletters newsletters window window twttr twttr function function d d s s id id var var js js fjs fjs d d getElementsByTagName getElementsByTagName s s t t window window twttr twttr if if d d getElementById getElementById id id return return t t js js d d createElement createElement s s js js id id id id js js src src https https platform platform twitter twitter com com widgets widgets js js fjs fjs parentNode parentNode insertBefore insertBefore js js fjs fjs t t e e t t ready ready function function f f t t e e push push f f return return t t document document script script twitter twitter wjs wjs Facebook Facebook Twitter Twitter Email Email more more from from beliefnet beliefnet and and our our partners partners Add 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