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ZTPVF	Inspiration
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Search	Health
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Wellness	Suffering
Suffering	Zen
Zen	How
How	a
a	woman
woman	s
s	struggle
struggle	with
with	depression
depression	taught
taught	her
her	about
about	faith
faith	prayer
prayer	and
and	when
when	to
to	stop
stop	meditating
meditating	Beliefnet
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Facebook	Twitter
Twitter	Email
Email	I
I	want
want	to
to	tell
tell	you
you	about
about	coming
coming	apart
apart	wanting
wanting	to
to	die
die	and
and	returning
returning	at
at	last
last	to
to	myself
myself	and
and	about
about	how
how	my
my	Buddhist
Buddhist	practice
practice	both
both	helped
helped	and
and	hindered
hindered	me
me	in
in	this
this	zigzag
zigzag	journey
journey	in
in	ways
ways	I
I	couldn
couldn	t
t	have
have	predicted
predicted	I
I	didn
didn	t
t	call
call	it
it	depression
depression	for
for	most
most	of
of	the
the	five
five	years
years	I
I	was
was	in
in	and
and	out
out	of
of	it
it	I
I	thought
thought	depression
depression	was
was	for
for	lethargic
lethargic	people
people	who
who	stayed
stayed	in
in	bed
bed	all
all	day
day	But
But	my
my	pain
pain	was
was	as
as	sharp
sharp	as
as	an
an	ice
ice	pick
pick	Restless
Restless	in
in	the
the	extreme
extreme	I
I	paced
paced	and
and	paced
paced	looking
looking	for
for	a
a	way
way	out
out	While
While	my
my	misery
misery	seemed
seemed	to
to	be
be	connected
connected	to
to	the
the	drawn
drawn	out
out	and
and	difficult
difficult	end
end	of
of	a
a	relationship
relationship	with
with	a
a	lover
lover	I
I	came
came	to
to	realize
realize	that
that	it
it	was
was	about
about	my
my	whole
whole	life
life	The
The	invisible
invisible	causes
causes	were
were	old
old	griefs
griefs	and
and	fears
fears	about
about	being
being	left
left	alone
alone	and
and	about
about	not
not	being
being	left
left	alone
alone	I
I	had
had	been
been	through
through	painful
painful	separations
separations	before
before	but
but	this
this	one
one	deconstructed
deconstructed	me
me	as
as	none
none	other
other	had
had	After
After	a
a	wrenching
wrenching	divorce
divorce	I
I	had
had	other
other	relationships
relationships	but
but	I
I	always
always	erred
erred	on
on	the
the	side
side	of
of	independence
independence	raising
raising	my
my	children
children	as
as	a
a	single
single	mother
mother	managing
managing	my
my	life
life	my
my	household
household	my
my	recycling
recycling	on
on	my
my	own
own	But
But	when
when	it
it	seemed
seemed	finally
finally	that
that	I
I	would
would	have
have	somebody
somebody	else
else	to
to	remind
remind	me
me	to
to	change
change	the
the	oil
oil	in
in	my
my	car
car	and
and	then
then	when
when	it
it	seemed
seemed	even
even	more
more	finally
finally	that
that	I
I	wouldn
wouldn	t
t	the
the	dam
dam	burst
burst	and
and	my
my	pent
pent	up
up	longing
longing	to
to	be
be	taken
taken	care
care	of
of	came
came	crashing
crashing	through
through	dashes
dashes	gif
gif	When
When	I
I	sat
sat	down
down	on
on	my
my	meditation
meditation	cushion
cushion	the
the	quiet
quiet	just
just	provided
provided	a
a	chance
chance	for
for	my
my	obsessional
obsessional	thoughts
thoughts	to
to	take
take	over
over	the
the	stage
stage	dashes
dashes	gif
gif	I
I	had
had	been
been	a
a	Zen
Zen	Buddhist
Buddhist	practitioner
practitioner	for
for	over
over	years
years	Buddhist
Buddhist	teachings
teachings	are
are	about
about	suffering
suffering	and
and	the
the	end
end	of
of	suffering
suffering	and
and	Zen
Zen	Buddhism
Buddhism	in
in	particular
particular	emphasizes
emphasizes	sitting
sitting	still
still	in
in	the
the	midst
midst	of
of	your
your	suffering
suffering	and
and	just
just	letting
letting	go
go	I
I	assumed
assumed	that
that	my
my	meditation
meditation	practice
practice	would
would	steady
steady	me
me	What
What	could
could	be
be	more
more	comforting
comforting	than
than	minutes
minutes	in
in	the
the	peaceful
peaceful	familiar
familiar	zendo
zendo	with
with	the
the	slant
slant	of
of	sun
sun	across
across	the
the	cedar
cedar	floorboards
floorboards	and
and	the
the	sweet
sweet	smell
smell	of
of	tatami
tatami	matting
matting	But
But	it
it	didn
didn	t
t	help
help	This
This	is
is	what
what	I
I	want
want	to
to	say
say	At
At	times
times	it
it	made
made	things
things	worse
worse	The
The	demons
demons	in
in	my
my	mind
mind	took
took	advantage
advantage	of
of	the
the	opportunity
opportunity	They
They	weren
weren	t
t	real
real	demons
demons	but
but	they
they	didn
didn	t
t	care
care	whether
whether	they
they	were
were	real
real	or
or	not
not	they
they	tormented
tormented	me
me	anyway
anyway	My
My	Buddhist
Buddhist	teachers
teachers	urged
urged	me
me	to
to	keep
keep	on
on	sitting
sitting	zazen
zazen	Don
Don	t
t	turn
turn	away
away	from
from	your
your	suffering
suffering	they
they	said
said	again
again	and
and	again
again	When
When	you
you	sit
sit	painful
painful	thoughts
thoughts	and
and	feelings
feelings	will
will	arise
arise	Just
Just	notice
notice	them
them	without
without	clinging
clinging	to
to	them
them	The
The	painful
painful	thoughts
thoughts	and
and	feelings
feelings	will
will	pass
pass	away
away	again
again	and
and	you
you	ll
ll	realize
realize	that
that	they
they	are
are	empty
empty	But
But	when
when	I
I	sat
sat	down
down	on
on	a
a	zafu
zafu	meditation
meditation	cushion
cushion	the
the	quiet
quiet	just
just	provided
provided	a
a	chance
chance	for
for	my
my	obsessional
obsessional	thoughts
thoughts	to
to	take
take	over
over	the
the	stage
stage	I
I	ve
ve	ruined
ruined	my
my	life
life	How
How	can
can	I
I	get
get	him
him	back
back	The
The	painful
painful	thoughts
thoughts	arose
arose	all
all	right
right	but
but	they
they	didn
didn	t
t	pass
pass	away
away	Or
Or	if
if	they
they	did
did	it
it	was
was	only
only	to
to	make
make	room
room	for
for	even
even	more
more	painful
painful	thoughts
thoughts	I
I	don
don	t
t	know
know	how
how	to
to	give
give	or
or	receive
receive	love
love	I
I	ll
ll	die
die	alone
alone	And
And	adding
adding	insult
insult	to
to	injury
injury	I
I	m
m	the
the	worst
worst	Zen
Zen	student
student	that
that	ever
ever	was
was	Occasionally
Occasionally	a
a	Zen
Zen	teacher
teacher	will
will	concede
concede	that
that	if
if	a
a	person
person	is
is	in
in	the
the	middle
middle	of
of	a
a	mental
mental	breakdown
breakdown	perhaps
perhaps	she
she	should
should	stop
stop	sitting
sitting	until
until	she
she	gets
gets	her
her	strength
strength	back
back	This
This	is
is	like
like	a
a	track
track	coach
coach	telling
telling	you
you	that
that	you
you	shouldn
shouldn	t
t	run
run	while
while	you
you	have
have	a
a	broken
broken	leg
leg	The
The	assumption
assumption	is
is	that
that	if
if	there
there	weren
weren	t
t	something
something	wrong
wrong	with
with	you
you	if
if	you
you	weren
weren	t
t	so
so	weak
weak	you
you	d
d	be
be	on
on	the
the	zafu
zafu	And
And	when
when	I
I	told
told	my
my	teachers
teachers	I
I	was
was	disappointed
disappointed	that
that	zazen
zazen	didn
didn	t
t	make
make	me
me	feel
feel	better
better	they
they	scolded
scolded	me
me	You
You	don
don	t
t	sit
sit	zazen
zazen	to
to	get
get	something
something	You
You	sit
sit	zazen
zazen	in
in	order
order	to
to	sit
sit	zazen
zazen	If
If	you
you	want
want	zazen
zazen	to
to	make
make	you
you	happy
happy	it
it	won
won	t
t	work
work	But
But	I
I	wasn
wasn	t
t	even
even	asking
asking	to
to	be
be	happy
happy	I
I	was
was	asking
asking	to
to	be
be	less
less	miserable
miserable	I
I	was
was	hoping
hoping	for
for	some
some	peace
peace	of
of	mind
mind	And
And	didn
didn	t
t	Buddha
Buddha	invent
invent	Buddhism
Buddhism	in
in	the
the	first
first	place
place	to
to	alleviate
alleviate	suffering
suffering	Did
Did	all
all	those
those	other
other	people
people	in
in	the
the	zendo
zendo	really
really	get
get	up
up	out
out	of
of	bed
bed	at
at	a
a	m
m	for
for	no
no	particular
particular	reason
reason	I
I	kept
kept	going
going	back
back	hoping
hoping	that
that	if
if	I
I	meditated
meditated	hard
hard	enough
enough	I
I	d
d	have
have	some
some	sort
sort	of
of	breakthrough
breakthrough	In
In	the
the	dimly
dimly	remembered
remembered	time
time	of
of	normalcy
normalcy	sitting
sitting	in
in	the
the	zendo
zendo	I
I	too
too	had
had	had
had	the
the	experience
experience	of
of	watching
watching	my
my	worries
worries	turn
turn	to
to	dry
dry	powder
powder	and
and	blow
blow	away
away	So
So	now
now	I
I	signed
signed	up
up	to
to	sit
sit	Rohatsu
Rohatsu	sesshin
sesshin	the
the	weeklong
weeklong	meditation
meditation	retreat
retreat	in
in	early
early	December
December	that
that	commemorates
commemorates	Buddha
Buddha	s
s	enlightenment
enlightenment	He
He	sat
sat	down
down	under
under	the
the	bodhi
bodhi	tree
tree	and
and	vowed
vowed	not
not	to
to	get
get	up
up	until
until	he
he	saw
saw	the
the	truth
truth	It
It	took
took	him
him	a
a	week
week	I
I	had
had	sat
sat	many
many	sesshins
sesshins	before
before	but
but	maybe
maybe	this
this	would
would	be
be	my
my	week
week	The
The	first
first	day
day	was
was	bad
bad	I
I	cried
cried	quietly
quietly	not
not	wanting
wanting	to
to	disturb
disturb	the
the	others
others	The
The	second
second	day
day	was
was	worse
worse	Tears
Tears	and
and	snot
snot	dripped
dripped	off
off	my
my	chin
chin	onto
onto	my
my	breast
breast	I
I	hated
hated	myself
myself	Nobody
Nobody	else
else	will
will	ever
ever	love
love	me
me	Bring
Bring	your
your	attention
attention	back
back	to
to	your
your	breathing
breathing	my
my	teachers
teachers	had
had	advised
advised	me
me	But
But	this
this	was
was	like
like	telling
telling	a
a	person
person	on
on	the
the	rack
rack	whose
whose	arms
arms	are
are	being
being	pulled
pulled	out
out	of
of	her
her	shoulder
shoulder	sockets
sockets	to
to	count
count	her
her	exhalations
exhalations	Sometimes
Sometimes	it
it	was
was	like
like	being
being	in
in	heavy
heavy	surf
surf	A
A	wave
wave	of
of	pain
pain	would
would	grow
grow	crest
crest	and
and	break
break	with
with	a
a	crash
crash	grinding
grinding	my
my	bones
bones	against
against	the
the	rocky
rocky	bottom
bottom	and
and	then
then	I
I	d
d	get
get	my
my	head
head	above
above	the
the	water
water	just
just	in
in	time
time	to
to	notice
notice	another
another	bigger
bigger	wave
wave	coming
coming	But
But	I
I	wasn
wasn	t
t	on
on	the
the	rack
rack	I
I	wasn
wasn	t
t	in
in	the
the	surf
surf	I
I	was
was	in
in	the
the	zendo
zendo	Around
Around	me
me	sat
sat	my
my	dharma
dharma	brothers
brothers	and
and	sisters
sisters	hands
hands	in
in	their
their	proper
proper	position
position	As
As	for
for	my
my	hand
hand	position
position	I
I	dug
dug	the
the	nails
nails	of
of	my
my	left
left	hand
hand	deep
deep	into
into	the
the	palm
palm	of
of	my
my	right
right	hand
hand	feeling
feeling	relief
relief	at
at	the
the	physical
physical	pain
pain	and
and	momentary
momentary	proof
proof	of
of	my
my	existence
existence	dashes
dashes	gif
gif	Sometimes
Sometimes	being
being	on
on	the
the	meditation
meditation	cushion
cushion	was
was	like
like	being
being	in
in	heavy
heavy	surf
surf	A
A	wave
wave	of
of	pain
pain	would
would	grow
grow	crest
crest	and
and	break
break	with
with	a
a	crash
crash	grinding
grinding	my
my	bones
bones	against
against	the
the	rocky
rocky	bottom
bottom	dashes
dashes	gif
gif	On
On	the
the	morning
morning	of
of	the
the	fifth
fifth	day
day	after
after	fleeing
fleeing	the
the	zendo
zendo	several
several	times
times	in
in	agony
agony	I
I	called
called	the
the	Zen
Zen	Center
Center	and
and	said
said	I
I	wasn
wasn	t
t	feeling
feeling	well
well	an
an	understatement
understatement	if
if	there
there	ever
ever	was
was	one
one	and
and	wouldn
wouldn	t
t	be
be	sitting
sitting	the
the	rest
rest	of
of	the
the	sesshin
sesshin	I
I	thought
thought	I
I	had
had	failed
failed	in
in	my
my	practice
practice	years
years	of
of	it
it	and
and	was
was	bitterly
bitterly	disappointed
disappointed	in
in	myself
myself	Only
Only	now
now	do
do	I
I	see
see	what
what	a
a	growth
growth	it
it	was
was	not
not	to
to	be
be	ruled
ruled	by
by	dogma
dogma	to
to	be
be	compassionate
compassionate	with
with	myself
myself	to
to	take
take	my
my	spiritual
spiritual	practice
practice	into
into	my
my	own
own	hands
hands	I
I	didn
didn	t
t	sit
sit	zazen
zazen	for
for	some
some	months
months	and
and	now
now	I
I	know
know	that
that	stopping
stopping	was
was	zazen
zazen	Unfortunately
Unfortunately	it
it	wasn
wasn	t
t	until
until	after
after	the
the	depression
depression	subsided
subsided	that
that	I
I	saw
saw	that
that	choosing
choosing	not
not	to
to	sit
sit	took
took	as
as	much
much	faith
faith	in
in	myself
myself	as
as	choosing
choosing	to
to	sit
sit	Buddhism
Buddhism	teaches
teaches	that
that	we
we	have
have	no
no	fixed
fixed	self
self	There
There	is
is	nothing
nothing	permanent
permanent	about
about	me
me	During
During	my
my	depression
depression	I
I	wasn
wasn	t
t	my
my	self
self	as
as	we
we	say
say	I
I	didn
didn	t
t	seem
seem	to
to	have
have	a
a	self
self	at
at	all
all	which
which	in
in	a
a	way
way	cruelly
cruelly	mimicked
mimicked	this
this	central
central	point
point	in
in	Buddhist
Buddhist	teaching
teaching	There
There	was
was	nobody
nobody	home
home	and
and	it
it	was
was	terrifying
terrifying	I
I	felt
felt	angry
angry	at
at	Buddhism
Buddhism	as
as	if
if	to
to	say
say	You
You	told
told	me
me	there
there	s
s	no
no	fixed
fixed	self
self	and
and	I
I	believed
believed	you
you	and
and	look
look	where
where	it
it	got
got	me
me	It
It	helped
helped	me
me	to
to	give
give	a
a	name
name	other
other	than
than	crazy
crazy	to
to	how
how	I
I	felt
felt	but
but	it
it	took
took	me
me	awhile
awhile	I
I	finally
finally	called
called	myself
myself	depressed
depressed	when
when	I
I	read
read	an
an	article
article	by
by	the
the	writer
writer	Andrew
Andrew	Solomon
Solomon	about
about	his
his	own
own	depression
depression	in
in	The
The	New
New	Yorker
Yorker	January
January	and
and	he
he	described
described	symptoms
symptoms	similar
similar	to
to	mine
mine	It
It	turned
turned	out
out	I
I	wasn
wasn	t
t	the
the	only
only	one
one	who
who	had
had	ever
ever	felt
felt	too
too	frightened
frightened	to
to	chew
chew	as
as	Solomon
Solomon	put
put	it
it	And
And	I
I	knew
knew	just
just	what
what	he
he	meant
meant	when
when	he
he	wrote
wrote	Depression
Depression	is
is	a
a	disease
disease	of
of	self
self	obsession
obsession	I
I	was
was	sick
sick	I
I	was
was	clinically
clinically	depressed
depressed	It
It	was
was	reading
reading	this
this	article
article	that
that	made
made	me
me	decide
decide	to
to	try
try	medication
medication	Solomon
Solomon	says
says	To
To	take
take	medications
medications	as
as	part
part	of
of	the
the	battle
battle	is
is	to
to	battle
battle	fiercely
fiercely	and
and	to
to	refuse
refuse	them
them	is
is	as
as	ludicrous
ludicrous	as
as	entering
entering	a
a	modern
modern	war
war	on
on	horseback
horseback	I
I	had
had	a
a	lot
lot	of
of	resistance
resistance	to
to	taking
taking	medication
medication	The
The	voice
voice	of
of	orthodox
orthodox	Zen
Zen	whispered
whispered	in
in	my
my	mind
mind	that
that	the
the	monks
monks	of
of	old
old	didn
didn	t
t	have
have	Zoloft
Zoloft	the
the	drug
drug	that
that	eventually
eventually	helped
helped	me
me	But
But	some
some	of
of	those
those	monks
monks	probably
probably	obsessed
obsessed	their
their	lives
lives	away
away	in
in	misery
misery	others
others	may
may	have
have	left
left	the
the	monastery
monastery	because
because	they
they	couldn
couldn	t
t	concentrate
concentrate	Buddhist
Buddhist	history
history	doesn
doesn	t
t	tell
tell	us
us	about
about	the
the	ones
ones	who
who	tried
tried	and
and	failed
failed	the
the	ones
ones	with
with	attention
attention	deficit
deficit	disorder
disorder	or
or	clinical
clinical	depression
depression	And
And	so
so	by
by	trial
trial	and
and	error
error	I
I	learned
learned	to
to	construct
construct	my
my	own
own	spiritual
spiritual	practice
practice	according
according	to
to	my
my	needs
needs	and
and	abilities
abilities	I
I	was
was	learning
learning	to
to	trust
trust	myself
myself	Every
Every	morning
morning	as
as	soon
soon	as
as	I
I	got
got	out
out	of
of	bed
bed	I
I	lit
lit	a
a	candle
candle	on
on	my
my	little
little	altar
altar	and
and	offered
offered	a
a	stick
stick	of
of	incense
incense	I
I	made
made	three
three	full
full	bows
bows	then
then	stood
stood	before
before	the
the	altar
altar	my
my	palms
palms	pressed
pressed	together
together	and
and	recited
recited	out
out	loud
loud	my
my	morning
morning	prayers
prayers	starting
starting	with
with	a
a	child
child	s
s	prayer
prayer	a
a	Catholic
Catholic	friend
friend	had
had	taught
taught	me
me	Angel
Angel	of
of	God
God	my
my	guardian
guardian	dear
dear	To
To	whom
whom	God
God	s
s	love
love	commits
commits	me
me	here
here	Ever
Ever	this
this	day
day	be
be	at
at	my
my	side
side	To
To	watch
watch	and
and	guard
guard	to
to	rule
rule	and
and	guide
guide	It
It	was
was	comforting
comforting	to
to	ask
ask	somebody
somebody	else
else	somebody
somebody	who
who	wasn
wasn	t
t	me
me	for
for	help
help	Prayer
Prayer	was
was	something
something	I
I	missed
missed	in
in	Zen
Zen	practice
practice	as
as	I
I	knew
knew	it
it	so
so	I
I	imported
imported	it
it	from
from	Christianity
Christianity	and
and	other
other	Buddhist
Buddhist	traditions
traditions	I
I	prayed
prayed	to
to	Tara
Tara	Tibetan
Tibetan	goddess
goddess	of
of	compassion
compassion	to
to	fly
fly	down
down	from
from	the
the	sky
sky	all
all	green
green	and
and	shining
shining	into
into	my
my	heart
heart	I
I	prayed
prayed	to
to	Prajna
Prajna	Paramita
Paramita	the
the	mother
mother	of
of	all
all	Buddhas
Buddhas	who
who	brings
brings	light
light	so
so	that
that	all
all	fear
fear	and
and	distress
distress	may
may	be
be	forsaken
forsaken	and
and	disperses
disperses	the
the	gloom
gloom	and
and	darkness
darkness	of
of	delusion
delusion	These
These	words
words	from
from	the
the	ancient
ancient	Prajnaparamitta
Prajnaparamitta	sutra
sutra	reminded
reminded	me
me	of
of	the
the	rd
rd	Psalm
Psalm	Yea
Yea	though
though	I
I	walk
walk	through
through	the
the	valley
valley	of
of	the
the	shadow
shadow	of
of	death
death	I
I	will
will	fear
fear	no
no	evil
evil	for
for	Thou
Thou	art
art	with
with	me
me	I
I	said
said	this
this	too
too	Then
Then	I
I	took
took	refuge
refuge	in
in	Buddha
Buddha	dharma
dharma	and
and	sangha
sangha	saying
saying	the
the	words
words	out
out	loud
loud	whether
whether	I
I	felt
felt	anything
anything	or
or	not
not	Taking
Taking	refuge
refuge	is
is	an
an	act
act	of
of	faith
faith	I
I	followed
followed	with
with	my
my	own
own	translation
translation	I
I	take
take	refuge
refuge	in
in	my
my	own
own	true
true	nature
nature	I
I	take
take	refuge
refuge	in
in	things
things	as
as	they
they	are
are	I
I	take
take	refuge
refuge	in
in	the
the	community
community	of
of	which
which	I
I	am
am	a
a	part
part	dashes
dashes	gif
gif	It
It	was
was	comforting
comforting	to
to	ask
ask	somebody
somebody	else
else	somebody
somebody	who
who	wasn
wasn	t
t	me
me	for
for	help
help	Prayer
Prayer	was
was	something
something	I
I	missed
missed	in
in	Zen
Zen	practice
practice	as
as	I
I	knew
knew	it
it	so
so	I
I	imported
imported	it
it	from
from	Christianity
Christianity	and
and	other
other	Buddhist
Buddhist	traditions
traditions	dashes
dashes	gif
gif	That
That	I
I	had
had	shaped
shaped	this
this	practice
practice	for
for	myself
myself	gave
gave	me
me	confidence
confidence	And
And	the
the	early
early	morning
morning	incense
incense	smoke
smoke	though
though	it
it	was
was	thin
thin	and
and	drifting
drifting	provided
provided	a
a	hint
hint	of
of	continuity
continuity	for
for	my
my	days
days	They
They	seemed
seemed	after
after	all
all	to
to	be
be	days
days	in
in	the
the	same
same	life
life	One
One	person
person	s
s	life
life	mine
mine	Faith
Faith	is
is	an
an	attitude
attitude	emphasized
emphasized	more
more	in
in	Christianity
Christianity	than
than	in
in	Buddhism
Buddhism	but
but	it
it	s
s	there
there	in
in	Buddhism
Buddhism	too
too	Faith
Faith	means
means	faith
faith	in
in	yourself
yourself	in
in	the
the	practice
practice	in
in	the
the	ancestors
ancestors	in
in	the
the	teaching
teaching	Faith
Faith	means
means	believing
believing	that
that	everything
everything	is
is	unfolding
unfolding	as
as	it
it	needs
needs	to
to	unfold
unfold	and
and	that
that	your
your	own
own	life
life	is
is	part
part	of
of	that
that	unfolding
unfolding	Once
Once	when
when	I
I	called
called	Zen
Zen	teacher
teacher	Reb
Reb	Anderson
Anderson	in
in	despair
despair	he
he	came
came	to
to	Berkeley
Berkeley	to
to	see
see	me
me	We
We	sat
sat	on
on	a
a	park
park	bench
bench	in
in	a
a	children
children	s
s	playground
playground	and
and	he
he	told
told	me
me	Try
Try	to
to	remember
remember	that
that	the
the	universe
universe	is
is	already
already	taking
taking	care
care	of
of	you
you	In
In	the
the	following
following	months
months	I
I	repeated
repeated	this
this	mantra
mantra	to
to	myself
myself	over
over	and
and	over
over	The
The	universe
universe	is
is	already
already	taking
taking	care
care	of
of	me
me	Now
Now	almost
almost	two
two	years
years	out
out	of
of	the
the	desolation
desolation	I
I	still
still	don
don	t
t	understand
understand	what
what	happened
happened	and
and	I
I	wish
wish	I
I	did
did	understand
understand	because
because	I
I	don
don	t
t	ever
ever	want
want	to
to	go
go	there
there	again
again	But
But	I
I	do
do	know
know	some
some	of
of	the
the	things
things	that
that	pulled
pulled	me
me	through
through	including
including	nature
nature	the
the	love
love	of
of	friends
friends	and
and	family
family	poetry
poetry	medication
medication	therapy
therapy	my
my	own
own	form
form	of
of	prayer
prayer	and
and	learning
learning	to
to	trust
trust	myself
myself	I
I	am
am	grateful
grateful	many
many	times
times	a
a	day
day	for
for	my
my	mental
mental	health
health	Even
Even	on
on	days
days	when
when	I
I	m
m	the
the	most
most	lonesome
lonesome	or
or	the
the	most
most	afraid
afraid	there
there	s
s	somebody
somebody	home
home	inside
inside	myself
myself	Biblical
Biblical	Sites
Sites	to
to	Visit
Visit	in
in	Jordan
Jordan	Join
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