#alternate alternate alternate alternate alternate IFRAME: //www.googletagmanager.com/ns.html?id=GTM-NW5PKS (BUTTON) Psychology Today * Find a Therapist Find a Therapist + Australia + Canada + United Kingdom + United States Professionals Sign Up and Get Listed or Login * Get Help Mental Health + Addiction + ADHD + Anxiety + Asperger's + Autism + Bipolar Disorder + Chronic Pain + Depression + Eating Disorders Personality + Passive Aggression + Personality + Shyness Personal Growth + Goal Setting + Happiness + Positive Psychology + Stopping Smoking Relationships + Low Sexual Desire + Relationships + Sex Family Life + Child Development + Parenting View Help Index Do I Need Help? + Self Tests Recently Diagnosed? + Diagnosis Dictionary + Types of Therapy * Magazine Current Psychology Today Magazine November 2018 7 Extraordinary Feats Your Brain Can Perform How to activate your brain's superpowers. 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Subscribe Issue Archive Back Today News * + Toxic Relationships Made it to Number One In 2018 + Understanding the Connection Between Sleep and Anxiety + New Blood Test Helps Predict (and Prevent?) Bipolar Disorder + What Is Really Happening When We Feel Authentic? * Essential Reads + 3 Ways to Explain Human Behavior + Is Loneliness Making You Sick? + Lithium: Cellular Trickster + A DNA Blueprint for the Future * Trending Topics + Narcissism + Alzheimer's + Bias + Affective Forecasting + Neuroscience + Behavioral Economics + See All Bella DePaulo Ph.D. Living Single Follow me on Twitter Friend me on Faceook Connect with me on LinkedIn 7 Kinds of Marriages – and One Awesome Alternative Don't let anyone tell you what kind of marriage to have – or that you must marry Posted Jul 22, 2015 * [share-2x-facebook.svg] SHARE * [share-2x-twitter.svg] TWEET * [share-2x-email.svg] EMAIL * [share-2x-sharethis.svg] MORE * [share-2x-google-plus.svg] SHARE * [share-2x-linkedin.svg] SHARE * [WhatsApp_2_@1x.svg] WHATSAPP * [share-2x-reddit.svg] SHARE Want to have a successful marriage? Never mind all that how-to stuff about improving communication and adding a spark to your sex life and never going to bed mad and all the rest – that's fine for what it's worth, but there may be something even more fundamental to the success of your marriage. (Yes, I know, I'm Ms. Unabashedly, Unapologetically Single-at-Heart and single for life, so I'll tell you at the end why I'm writing about this.) The secret to a great marriage is deciding what you want your marriage to be about – and don't just give me that gauzy, dreamy poetry about love. Be practical. Be specific. For example: Maybe you just want to try it out. Or, admit it – maybe you really do want to marry for money. Or maybe you care about the kids or about companionship, and you don't give a hoot about the sexual intimacy. Or maybe you know you don't want to be monogamous. Or maybe you want the most committed, faithful, traditional version of marriage imaginable. Whatever you want from your marriage, just be sure you are on the same page as your potential spouse (or your current one, if you are interested in redefining your marriage). Then put it in writing. Make it legal. Because that's what marriage really is – a legal contract! If you and your spouse get out of your marriage what you two decided together was what you actually wanted from your marriage, then guess what? Your marriage is a success! It doesn't matter if other people turn up their noses at the kind of marriage you choose – it's your marriage, not theirs. All of this is what I learned from a book by Susan Pease Gadoua (fellow Psych Today blogger) and Vicki Larson (terrific journalist), The New "I Do": Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists, and Rebels. I reviewed the book for another site and will post the link when it is published. There's a lot to the book, but here, I just want to share with you the 7 kinds of marriages they describe. Do-It-Yourself Marriages: 7 Possibilities #1 Starter marriage: Couples want to try out marriage for a pre-determined amount of time, without having kids. They sign legal contracts. Before the time is up, they decide whether to split or to renew their marriage or move on to a different kind of marriage. #2 Companionship marriage: This is another marriage that is not about children. Couples marry for friendship, to have someone to socialize with and do other things together. It is not about passion or romance. #3 Parenting marriage: This model of marriage is all about the children. A romantic connection need not be part of the package. Two people commit to raising kids together and providing a great home for them. They promise to stay together only until all of their children become independent. Of course, they can always decide to stay together even after that, but the forever assumption is not part of their marital contract from the start. #4 Safety marriage: Some people marry for money. Others marry for health insurance or for financial security while they pursue their passions or an education or they marry for some other instrumental reason. Don't get all judgy! It is not gold-digging or exploitation if each spouse gets something out of the arrangement and each explicitly agrees to it from the outset. #5 Living alone together marriage: This marriage is for people who say they need their space, and mean it, literally. Each spouse has a place of his or her own. They are committed to the relationship but want a measure of autonomy, too. #6 Open marriage: Spouses have other partners but they are not sneaking around. They are practicing "consensual non-monogamy." They want a stable marriage but not a monogamous one. The "consensual" part means they've agreed to it. #7 Covenant marriage: Whereas all of the other versions of "the new 'I do'" relax the constraints or assumptions of the prevailing model of marriage, covenant marriage ups the ante. It is only for unions of one man and one woman. The marriages are harder to get into (premarital counseling is a requirement) and harder to get out of (there are few legitimate grounds for divorce, and couples who do not meet those criteria but still want to divorce have to wait two years to do so). Three states offer covenant marriages – Louisiana, Arizona, and Arkansas. The Awesome Alternative? If you love living single and believe it is the best life for you even if you did meet someone amazing, or even if you just don't want to be married right now, there is an awesome alternative to all 7 of those types of marriage – single life! Live it fully, joyfully, and unapologetically! Know that, among all of the wonderfully insightful points the authors make in the book, there were a few that were not true. Despite the prevailing mythology on the matter, scientific research does not show that getting married makes people happier or healthier. And, the flip side of being married is not being alone. In fact, on the average, single people are more connected to other people than married people are, and people who marry typically become more insular than they were when they were single. Why Me? When I was doing the research for my new book, How We Live Now: Redefining Home and Family in the 21st Century, I got very interested in people who just love their own space, but also want to be part of a committed couple. So if they find the person who is right for them, they live in their own places. Many who do this are married, and some even have kids. The couples are sometimes called Dual Dwelling Duos and their arrangement is sometimes called Living Apart Together (LAT). I found something terrific that Vicki Larson had written about that, so I asked if I could quote it. Then, when she was passing through Santa Barbara, we met in person. I was impressed and found more of her writing that I really liked (this, for example). I confess that at first, I only bought her book because I thought I should – she was so gracious about letting me quote her and then I had a great time with her in person. What do I care about any kind of "I Do"? (I don't.) But once I got the book I discovered that it included a chapter on couples living apart together, and then another chapter on people who really want kids, and do not want to raise their kids on their own, so they partner with someone else as co-parents and not as romantic partners. I have a whole section in How We Live Now about that, too. [Notes: (1) There are lots of great conversations going on at the Community of Single People. The other administrators and I have tried to accept everyone who has asked to be a Facebook member so far, so if you asked for membership but never heard back, my best guess is that you do not have a Facebook account and you do have to have one to join a Facebook group. (2) At long last, I've set up a Twitter account, @belladepaulo. I hope to start tweeting soon. I'll be looking for interesting people to follow, especially people who are interested in singles' issues and single life.] Google images, book cover Source: Google images, book cover * [share-2x-facebook.svg] SHARE * [share-2x-twitter.svg] TWEET * [share-2x-email.svg] EMAIL * [share-2x-sharethis.svg] MORE * [share-2x-google-plus.svg] SHARE * [share-2x-linkedin.svg] SHARE * [WhatsApp_2_@1x.svg] WHATSAPP * [share-2x-reddit.svg] SHARE 12 Comments Not for regulars Submitted by Frank on July 22, 2015 - 9:29am I think that some of the options above could be used by elements of society that are not mentally capable of sustaining a marriage. But for most people, marriage should be a LIFE contract between two people. For the mental and financial health of society, people should have children, and children should be raised by their biological parents. The secular world is taking God and His will out of the picture, and therefore self destructing. * Reply to Frank * Quote Frank nothing new, really Submitted by Gary g on July 22, 2015 - 10:01am Frank wrote: I think that some of the options above could be used by elements of society that are not mentally capable of sustaining a marriage. But for most people, marriage should be a LIFE contract between two people. For the mental and financial health of society, people should have children, and children should be raised by their biological parents. The secular world is taking God and His will out of the picture, and therefore self destructing. Nice wish, but most marriages end after only 12 years in the USA. And there is nothing new about marriages of convenience, arranged, for money, etc.. it's been going on for hundreds of years. Good points about children and stability, which is why some couples quietly open their marriage to keep it alive, rather than disrupting the household just so they can have the sexual partner they want. * Reply to Gary g * Quote Gary g Open Marriages Submitted by KP on August 10, 2015 - 4:09pm Gary g wrote: I think that some of the options above could be used by elements of society that are not mentally capable of sustaining a marriage. But for most people, marriage should be a LIFE contract between two people. For the mental and financial health of society, people should have children, and children should be raised by their biological parents. The secular world is taking God and His will out of the picture, and therefore self destructing. Nice wish, but most marriages end after only 12 years in the USA. And there is nothing new about marriages of convenience, arranged, for money, etc.. it's been going on for hundreds of years. Good points about children and stability, which is why some couples quietly open their marriage to keep it alive, rather than disrupting the household just so they can have the sexual partner they want. That is precisely what my husband and I did. It was important to us that we maintain our relationship, but we both wanted to seek out other sexual partners. I was actually surprised to find out how common open marriages are. As for the previous commenter's remarks regarding God's role, I think it's important to point out that marriage is firstly a civil contract. It's important to note that secularists are not the only people whose marriage does not involve "God". These marriages last just as long as Christian marriages do. * Reply to KP * Quote KP Destruction, or, Change? Submitted by joesantus on August 14, 2015 - 9:41pm Frank wrote: .... and therefore self destructing. As a 59-year-old, I recognize how easily we as humans can fall into the comfortable-old-pair-of-jeans mindset of "the way I'm use to things being after all these years is the Right way." I see it to be essential, therefore, to ensure that I'm endeavouring to evaluate objectively, and, that I'm being honest enough to acknowledge when what seems "wrong" to me is merely "different than the way that's familiarly comfortable to me". No doubt, any choice humans, individually and collectively, might make comes with an inevitable set of challenges, imperfections, and consequences. However -- does what you feel to be "self-destructing" actually amount to "changing in ways I'm not used to"? * Reply to joesantus * Quote joesantus "Starter Marriage" Submitted by Shane on July 22, 2015 - 11:50am Why would anyone enter a "starter" marriage? Either shack up or get married. Why "commit" to staying together for, say, two years? Does anyone in a starter marriage believe his partner will feel legally obligated to stay the full two years if he's not happy? Seriously, by refusing to commit for life, you are stating that you expect the relationship to peter out before long. So why make any kind of formal commitment at all ,even a temporary one? * Reply to Shane * Quote Shane You can't figure it out? Submitted by Gary g on July 22, 2015 - 12:44pm Shane wrote: Why would anyone enter a "starter" marriage? OK, reasonable question. Isn't that exactly what millions, if not most young people do today, when they move in together instead of marrying? If you can't figure it out, just ask practically any young person today. * Reply to Gary g * Quote Gary g Marriage vs. cohabitation Submitted by Vicki on July 22, 2015 - 5:14pm Good question, Shane, and one we address in the book. But, for a quick answer, they are not the same and you have no legal protections (although you can have a cohabitation agreement). Here are two posts I wrote about the difference: http://omgchronicles.vickilarson.com/2011/09/24/why-it-isnt-always-a-go od-idea-to-live-together/ and http://omgchronicles.vickilarson.com/2015/04/21/is-cohabitation-ever-th e-same-as-marriage/ * Reply to Vicki * Quote Vicki there's the problem Submitted by bob on August 1, 2015 - 9:56am "and you have no legal protections" that is the problem, what we need to do is eliminate the legal protection of marriage and leave only protections for children. If they have no children like a "Starter Marriage" should then it is the same living together. I would think that the only real alternative type is the parenting model. The rest are just there to take advantage of thousands of governmental programs giving things to married people at the expense of singles. * Reply to bob * Quote bob Resistance to Change Submitted by susanpeasegadoua on July 23, 2015 - 3:29am Thank you for the wonderful support, Bella. Your article is a wonderful synopsis of our message. It's always interesting to read the comments and see how much resistance there is to actually formally doing marriage differently and breaking away from the tradition illusion! Whether we like it (or agree with it) marriage IS changing at breakneck speeds! * Reply to susanpeasegadoua * Quote susanpeasegadoua Marriage is not for everyone Submitted by Eleni Mc. on August 5, 2015 - 5:23am Marriage is not for everyone. It wasn't for me either until I met my husband, at which point I decided I wanted to be married with kids. His kids to be precise. I had been fiercely independent up until this point and allowing him in my life was a HUGE thing for me. There was no way I would have bothered if I didn't feel the whole 'marriage' package was what I wanted; that is a committed, monogamous relationship based on a common understanding of who we are and where we are heading as a couple. This works for us because we respect each other's space, individuality and personhood - we haven’t merged into each other. Had I not met my husband, I would have lived a happy, fulfilling life as a woman who is not married. The times when being married was an imperative are long gone. I cannot really see why someone should go down that road if they prefer a single, polygamous kind or lifestyle. Same goes for people who value their independence too much to commit (that was me a few years ago). Being married is great, as is not being married. I don't even like using terms like 'single' or 'unmarried' as an alternative status because this validates marriage as a paradigm or the norm, which it is not. The types of marriage described here sound a bit like a hungover from the past. I am not saying there’s anything wrong with these types of marriage (I am also going to put a three people marriage on the table). I am questioning where the need to 'be married' stems from. Are old beliefs and stereotypes still determine our choices today? Is the wish to enter an ‘alternative’ type of marriage freedom of choice or compliance to social norms in disguise? Just a thought! * Reply to Eleni Mc. * Quote Eleni Mc. 7 kinds of marriage Submitted by LL on August 25, 2018 - 5:28pm Good points! but I can add a few extra which I and spouse agree on and they are a sexless roommate, and a mixed marriage! We live as #6 open and get along great! * Reply to LL * Quote LL Options for people with Personality Disorders Submitted by Tarun Verma on December 22, 2018 - 9:34am We must never forget that marriages are always contracts and there is nothing natural about them. People with PD struggle with existing RULES of marriages that society forces on individuals. Majority of people are able to adjust to those rules but there are many more who are just not made for marriages. People with PD suffer a lot because of these expectations laid down by systems of marriages, irrespective of society or culture they are brought up in. So options for different types of marriages must be kept open. In any case, people find their ways of being in relationships, because practical life and human needs motivate behaviors. Homosexuals have found their ways, even transgenders too. But for singles, there are still stereotypes which are not seen getting resolved. * Reply to Tarun Verma * Quote Tarun Verma Post Comment Your name ______________________________ E-mail The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly. ______________________________ Subject ____________________________________________________________ Comment * ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ [X] Notify me when new comments are posted (*) All comments ( ) Replies to my comment Leave this field blank ____________________ Post advertisement About the Author Bella DePaulo, Ph.D., an expert on single people, is the author of Singled Out and other books. She is an Academic Affiliate in Psychological & Brain Sciences, UCSB. In Print: Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After Online: Bella DePaulo's website View Author Profile Online: Bella DePaulo's website View Author Profile More Posts Living Single, 2018: Your 13 Favorite Articles What’s with all the happy single people? Friendship May Be Sweeter for People Who Are Single In people over 60, friends were more closely tied to well-being among singles. Is Solitude Something You Enjoy or a Way of Avoiding Others? Solitude that you want has nothing to do with loneliness. 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