If there was one thing last week that the entire Internet could agree on, it’s that the “27 ways to be a modern man” piece in The New York Times, by Brian Lombardi, was extremely odd.
For example, “The modern man buys only regular colas, like Coke or Dr. Pepper. If you walk into his house looking for a Mountain Dew, he’ll show you the door.” Some of it was just bizarre:
“When the modern man buys shoes for his spouse, he doesn’t have to ask her sister for the size. And he knows which brands run big or small.”
People didn’t know what to make of it. Was it satire or someone’s real list of random life advice? It was mostly unclear because it seems that men get this kind of specific advice all the time.
A popular version of this was put out a few years ago by the Twitter sensation @gselevator, an account that purports to report what’s overheard in the elevators at Goldman Sachs. The list, which is called “The Unofficial Goldman Sachs Guide To Being A Man,” was a viral hit and included pieces of advice such as “Tip more than you should” and “If you are wittier than you are handsome, avoid loud clubs” — the antithesis of the sort of advice doled out to women.
Advice for women, on the other hand, is often vague (“lean in!”) or too obvious (“try hard”). When Michelle Obama advised college girls last week to focus on their studies and not on boys, there were probably at least some eye-rolls in the room.
What girl hasn’t heard that her education should come first? With women outnumbering men in college by nearly 20 percent, that message has been received.
Maybe women are less open to hearing life advice than men are. A woman’s magazine that printed the message “if you are wittier than you are pretty, avoid loud clubs” would get some serious pushback for implying that any woman, anywhere, could be unattractive. The message of “be yourself” is pushed to women much harder than to men and many take “be yourself” to mean you’re perfect as you are.
Well . . . you’re not. Here are five tips to being a better, happier woman.
1) Work at being interesting. Limit how much filler conversation you have. Women love to share, which is fine, but so much of the sharing that women do is banal, unfunny rundowns of their day. We’ve all been stuck behind the annoying woman on line at Duane Reade, we’ve all waited too long on the platform for the train. No one needs to hear your version of an everyday annoyance. Not everything needs to be verbalized. Talk less, say more.
2) Don’t settle. Most of the advice that women get in women’s magazines is about men. How to land one, how to keep one, what to do with him once he’s yours. There’s a lot of fearmongering about finding the “right one” in time. Sure, it might be nice to get married at 25 to your college sweetheart, who is clearly “the one.” And for some people, that will lead to a long, happy marriage. But don’t settle for someone because it’s easy. Settling leads to bitterness for everyone involved. This is your only life (probably) — don’t spend it with someone “good enough.”
3) If you’re over 18, the “just rolled out of bed” look is no longer adorable. It wasn’t even that cute when you were younger. Take some pride in your appearance, dress properly for the occasion. Some of your jeans should be sans holes.
4) Don’t take everything so personally. Not everything is about you. Actually, almost nothing is about you. People don’t think of you nearly as much as you imagine. Live your life; don’t get wrapped up in petty grievances.
5) Be yourself. I know, I mocked being “yourself” above. But like what you like and don’t like what you don’t like. Have your own opinions and be able to defend them as needed. Women aren’t all the same. There isn’t actually a sisterhood of women who all behave and think in the same way — and thank goodness for that. Don’t try to fit in.
One more thing: Don’t listen to Brian Lombardi. Your modern man doesn’t have to know your shoe size lest he commit the felony of a straight man trying to buy his woman shoes. Buy your own shoes.
And, oh yeah: It’s OK if your man drinks Mountain Dew.
