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For more information on cookies see our Cookie Policy. (BUTTON) X When is a water charge not a water charge? Opinion: ‘A Quit Yizzer Protesting Here’s A Hundred Quid Initiative (QYPHAHQI) would have less of a ring to it’ Mon, Nov 17, 2014, 12:00 Una Mullally ‘I’d imagine Government is absolutely raging that the term “water charges” ever even gained traction, that they never managed to call it the Water Support System, or the Facilitatory Programme for Liquid Assets.’ Photograph: Getty Images ‘I’d imagine Government is absolutely raging that the term “water charges” ever even gained traction, that they never managed to call it the Water Support System, or the Facilitatory Programme for Liquid Assets.’ Photograph: Getty Images One of the finest pieces of Irish satire in recent years is Irish Pictorial Weekly’s depiction of civil servants sitting around a table inventing spin. There’s a great scene with Enda Kenny’s fictional speechwriters heading to the pub before being halted by a call from the Taoiseach looking for a speech. “You know the way you like to say the words starting with the same letter?” one speechwriter begins. “‘I have the commitment, the compassion, and the competence’ – compassion means caring, Taoiseach – ‘to lead the people of Ireland to recovery. Together with my team, I draw confidence from the spirit, the tenacity, and the togetherness.’ I know they don’t all begin with T, Taoiseach . . . ” Another speechwriter grabs the phone. “‘Together, we’ll turn this around, and will overcome this crisis, when we’re together.’ And then just say ‘you’ll never beat the Irish’ or something.” The first one wrestles the phone back. “‘You’ll never beat the Irish.’ No, don’t sing it, Taoiseach. Just say it like a Taoiseach would.” Being in opposition is great because your language can be totally populist, whereas language on the government side has to do merry dances through filters and around obstacles to give the unpalatable realities enough sheen that hopefully distracts people from what the initiatives actually are. Non-straight talk The garbled language that comes from Government was highlighted recently with the Water Conservation Support Payment. Water charges are no longer water charges, they are a conservation exercise, and the Water Conservation Support Payment (WCSP) makes sure of that. A “Quit Yizzer Protesting, Here’s a Hundred Quid Initiative” (QYPHAHQI) would have less of a ring to it. I imagine Government is raging that the term “water charges” ever gained traction, that they never managed to call it the Water Support System, or the Facilitatory Programme for Liquid Assets. The most offensive of all terms is Universal Social Charge (USC), which doesn’t mean anything, but suggests we would universally benefit from some sort of collective monetary contribution to society. Using its actual name – Infinite Pit of Banking Debt Sucker Payment (IPBDSP)– is just a bit too real. “Spare me the grim litany of the realist, give me the unrealistic aspirations of the optimist any day,” as former US secretary of state Colin Powell once said. Presumably he wasn’t thinking of that the day he presented cartoon drawings of “WMDs” in Iraq, dressed up in spin to the UN. Another of my favourites is the “Student Contribution”. In reality, a student contribution is the offering that third-level graduates make to society. In Government language, it’s a few grand. When you say “Student Contribution Charge” three times in the mirror, Niamh Bhreathnach (the former minister who abolished fees) appears wearing a stripy pantsuit and hits you in the face with a hard-bound thesis. Try it. Spin speak Labour is on board when it comes to mangling language, but Fine Gael’s obsession with marketing-speak is typical of a party that is enthralled by the language of PR and gloss. Why have sense when you can have a soundbite? There’s a vibe of laundry detergent ads about the Government’s use of language. You know those washing powder ads, where the voiceover informs you that this latest stain remover is twice as good as the last, automatically undermining the commitments made in a previous commercial? Bang! and the D.I.R.T. is gone. Advertising offers the ultimate distortion of language, making up terms to simultaneously confuse us and impress upon us a necessity by manufacturing fear. This must be good for you: Fine Gael, the L Casei Immunitas Party. George Orwell’s depiction of “doublethink” in 1984 is often referenced regarding the distortion of language and thought, but he sums it up better in his 1946 essay Politics and the English Language. “In our time, political speech and writing are largely the defence of the indefensible. Thus political language has to consist largely of euphemism, question-begging and sheer cloudy vagueness . . . The great enemy of clear language is insincerity. When there is a gap between one’s real and one’s declared aims, one turns as it were instinctively to long words and exhausted idioms.” The language of advertising is central to the Government’s marketing of information – so much so that there’s been a movement in Government and its agencies to come up with ads for even ourselves. The most recent 1916 commemoration video manufactures Ireland as some kind of pitch to a richer investor. This contemporary narrative is almost jaded now, reinforcing our modern “rebranding” with the slogan “The best small country in the world in which to do business”. Our Government seems to prefer a version of Ireland that is a marketable product dressed up in spin-speak rather than an actual society. * Topics: * Irish Water Subscribe. More from The Irish Times * Crime & Law Gardaí search the Grand Canal bank in Ardclough, Co Kildare, where the body of a man was found in a suitcase on Saturday afternoon. Photograph: Eric Luke/The Irish Times. Gardaí say remains those of man who died in recent days * Opinion “The takeaway message from its negative poster this week might be that it has ceded control of the narrative to Fine Gael.” Photograph: Eric Luke / The Irish Times Fianna Fáil is changing but not quickly enough * Politics Fianna Fáil leader Micheál Martin, flanked by party colleagues, waves to supporters after his ardfheis speech at the Citywest Hotel in Dublin. Photograph: Eric Luke/The Irish Times. 5:35 Coalition has not delivered a fair recovery - Martin * European Cup Leinster’s Sean Cronin celebrates after scoring a try in their clash with Bath in the European Champions Cup. Photo: Billy Stickland/Inpho Fountain of youth comes good for Leinster with fighting victory ADVERTISEMENT [adserv|3.0|826.1|4269110|0|170|ADTECH;loc=300;target=_blank;kvtopic=Po litics;cookie=info;] ADVERTISEMENT The Irish Times Logo Sign In Email Address ____________________ Password ____________________ [ ] I agree to the Terms & Conditions, Community Standards and Privacy Policy (BUTTON) Sign In Don't have an account? Sign Up Forgot Password? The Irish Times Logo Sign Up First Name ____________________ Surname ____________________ Screen Name ____________________ The name that will appear beside your comments. 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News, analysis and a prediction for every #ge16 constituency Latest Ireland Gardaí say remains those of man who died in recent days 14:43 Arson attack in Drogheda had potential ‘for loss of life’ 14:07 Cork school to host launch of Catholic Schools Week 12:56 Man (37) dies after car crash in Co Tipperary 12:53 Two held on suspicion of attempted murder in Belfast 12:33 ADVERTISEMENT [adserv|3.0|826.1|4269112|0|170|ADTECH;loc=300;target=_blank;kvtopic=Po litics;cookie=info;] Our politics team offer their unique take on political events of the day Google ID ____________________ Name ____________________ Surname ____________________ Email ____________________ (BUTTON) Sign Up [X] I would also like to receive occasional update emails from The Irish Times L-R: John Leahy (Renua), Eoin O’Broin (Sinn Fein), Jack Chambers (Fianna Fail). Photograph: Dara Mac Dónaill People to watch in 2016 Harry McGee points to five expected do well at the ballot boxes Most Read in News 1 Conservative Germany is ‘mad as hell’ over Merkel’s policies 2 Gardaí say remains those of man who died in recent days 3 Isis ‘kills 300 people’ in Deir al-Zor, Syrian government says 4 Irish nanny plans to sue over wrongful detention in US 5 Woman who was asked to leave River Island awarded €7,500 Never miss a story. SUBSCRIBE Features & Opinion Fine Gael’s John Perry has no problem being an outcast * Fiach Kelly Fine Gael’s John Perry has no problem being an outcast On the canvass with the Sligo-North Leitrim TD who survived legal battle with his party What’s wrong with going negative? * Hugh Linehan What’s wrong with going negative? Weekend Read: Political parties are defining the narrative of the upcoming election, and the first signs of ‘negative campaigning’ have met with outrage. But highlighting your opponent’s shortcomings is part of politics Miriam Lord: PJ Mara was a charming, disarming spin doctor * Miriam Lord Miriam Lord: PJ Mara was a charming, disarming spin doctor The FF strategist gave the impression he found the whole political thing a bit of a lark PJ Mara: five attributes that defined former strategist * Harry McGee PJ Mara: five attributes that defined former strategist Part of the reason Mara was effective was his character traits made him well suited to role Taoiseach Dr Gatret FtizGerald and the British prime minister Margaret Thatcher at the signing of the Anglo-Irish Agreement in Hillsborough Castle, Co Down. 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