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   Ask a Mexican

Border between love and hate

   By Gustavo Arellano
   More stories by this author...
   This article was published on 03.26.09.

   Got a spicy question about Mexicans?
   Letters will be edited for clarity cabronesunless you're a racist
   pendejo. And include a hilarious pseudonym, por favor, or we'll make
   one up for you!

   Dear Readers:

   In honor of April Fools' Day, I'm turning over the column this week to
   those who think America can stop the Reconquista. Following are the
   winners of my challenge to Know Nothings a couple semanas back asking
   people to explain in 100 words or less how they can hate the illegal
   Mexican while loving the legal one without mentioning culture. What's
   most hilarious about this contest was that I had to immediately deport
   at least three-quarters of the entries to the trash because they
   exceeded 100 words. When I hold contests for wabs, they almost always
   follow the letter of the law. ¿Comprende English, Know Nothing
   cabrones?

   Anyways, the winners, each granted the amnesty of their own paragraph:

   "I, Know Nothing, do solemnly swear that I love my legal Mexican amigos
   but hate my illegal Mexican amigos. This love-hate relationship is
   based upon my deep respect for the letter of the law. As proof, I offer
   my sworn testimony that I have never broken any law. I have never
   exceeded a speed limit, never crossed a street mid-block, and never
   committed any acts of sodomy with my lovely wife."

   Mexican note: The man above lives in Utah.

   "Keeping Mexicans as second-class citizens denies them and their
   children of many of the rights they deserve. In my experience with Boy
   Scouts, Girl Scouts and in the schools, I met many children who could
   not participate in activities because they did not want to expose their
   families to deportation."

   "I don't care about culture, or, rather: I find lots to admire and
   celebrate in cultural change that has come. As for the law, I don't
   like that it is not followed, but not all law is equally important. In
   San Francisco, we don't follow lots of laws we don't agree with or
   like. Is there some chance that respect for law is lost? Yes. But who
   doesn't cross against a light if there are no vehicles coming and no
   kids near? Rules are necessary, but like hot sauce on my burrito, best
   applied lightly."

   "Hating an illegal immigrant person (physical and/or cultural identity)
   is different than hating that person's choice to break the law when
   legal options are available or hating the desperate circumstance that
   drove that person to break the law when legal options are not
   available. Breaking immigration law is more than sneaking across the
   border. That first illegal act becomes an illegal lifestyle by
   necessity. To work, to obtain goods and services, to own a motor
   vehicle and obtain a license to drive it, etc., one must steal an
   identity and an SSN. There has to be a better way."

   "I want immigration laws enforced to help my norte soccer teams to be
   beaten less by shorter guys who know the beautiful game better than we
   lame latecomers. And to help hold back my sagging stomach against my
   flavor-attack cravings for verdad Mexican food. And maybe the aching
   eight-year failures of President Rove won't glow so brightly watching
   hardworking construction campesinos, cuando revuelven to the drug wars
   `away, down there' ferociously fueled by Americans' dope appetites."

   "Since I am a Southerner, the last group you can make fun of without
   recriminations [Mexican note: He forgot Guatemalans], it would be easy
   to label me a racist and be done with it, but I am one who despises
   illegal immigration but embraces and welcomes the legal immigrant. The
   only reason I despise the illegal immigrant is because they lower pay
   for both legal immigrants and citizens alike. That's the only concern
   that I have about them. Culture? In America? Our entire culture is
   merely repackaged from the very immigrants that have been coming to
   these shores since the Pilgrims (Puritan bastards) landed."
   Contact us about this story
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